Prologue #1

PROLOGUE #1

The 28th of October, was both the best, and worst days of Violas life.

She stood wearing her wedding dress, modest, unembellished, white and luminous.  She was there in her bare feet, her blue satin ballet pumps neatly placed by the bed, she gazed out of the window taking in the sight of the lights, the tourists, the the life, the soul, the existence below.  As she looked, she felt as if the the scene below mirrored the way she was feeling, electric, connetic, alive.  Never in the years that had been before, had she felt as she did in that moment, invincible and protected.

Ben put his hand around her waist and his chin on her shoulder, following her gaze to the scene below.
"What are you thinking Mrs Wentworth?"
"Well Mr Wentworth, I am thinking  that out of all of the brides in all of the world, that has ever been, I am the happiest". She turned her head to look at him and cupped his head
"And I think that, I, have the best husband in the world". She kissed him lightly on the lips and looked in to the depths of his brown eyes".
"I think I am the lucky one, I have no idea what you can see in a guy like me, you're, you are, quite frankly, amazing".

They stared at each other with wrapt attention.  It was in that moment, that the chip of doubt that had been nestled in her heart had finally disappeared.  She had done the right thing, he was the right man. She had decided on her own, using her own judgment, her own standards.  Yes Ben was unemployed, ill at ease in social settings and had an accent that you could cut with a knife, but none of those things ever mattered to Viola.  He loved her for her, and she, she loved him for being him.

Plot

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PLOT

Viola Elliott is young, pretty, ambitious, clever and in love. Ben Wentwoth is young, handsome, headstrong, intelligent and in love with Viola. There is only one problem Charlie Elliott doesn't the want Viola throwing herself away on a penniless upstart who only wants her for her money and connections.

Ten years later the tides have changed, Viola and Ben meet again under very different circumstances and this time Ben isn't going to put his heart on the line this time. Viola full of regret, looks on from afar as Ben a achieves all of his ambitions as she watches hers slip away out of loyalty to her father.

As events conspire to bring Viola and Ben together, can old wounds heal? Can love bloom again?

Of course it will ts romantic fiction! But its the getting there which is the fun!

Premis

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PREMIS

Persuasion has always been my favourite Jane Austen novel. I reread Persuasion at the age of 27 (the same age of the protagonist in the book) and recognised that feeling of lost love and opportunity. Since then I have long had the idea of reimagining Persuasion for a new generation, Bridget Jones's Diary with less sex and smaller pants.

It's a great idea, even if I do say so myself. I have firm images of my characters in my head, I just hope I can translate those images into engaging and semi-realistic characters (I'm going for romantic fiction after all not gritty down and dirty drug dealers).

So this is my goal. Complete my story. Because quite frankly I need to get these characters out of my head before they send me bonkers.

I need to focus on my own life rather than those of fictional characters and I can't do that when I have a cast of fictional character taking up residence in my brain.

Project

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INTRODUCTION

 

I have an overactive imagination. I day dream constantly, I make up back stories for people I see in the street, their lives, loves, problems and joys. I make up stories, complex plots and have back stories running through my head all of the time. I often try to write the down my ideas. I have been a frustrated writer for a decade, trying and failing to complete the tales that are brewing in the creative part of my brain.

When my Mum died in February, my thoughts and back stories stopped. I was too sad. Life was too real, I couldn't tap in to that creative part of my being. It has been months and finally I am feeling myself again. My thoughts are returning. I want to be creative and I have never felt so productive.

I want to write. I want to complete the story I have rattling around in my noggin. The perspective I have on life has been skewed. I am no longer happy with coasting along. I want to contribute, I want to see myself in literature, I want to see characters I can relate to, and it seems the only way to ensure that is to do it myself. So that's is what I aim to do.

The One Where... I am on a Mission

Ladies and gentleman of the Internet.  
Today is an auspicious day!
Today is my 32nd birthday!  
At approximately 7am on the 22nd of August 1981 in Yeovil hospital my parents greeted me in to the world.  Possibly a little disappointed that I wasn't a boy, but hey, what they got was even better right!?!

This birthday is a life changer, or so it feels.  I am literally starting this new year with a blank slate.  I have very few ties, no mortgage, no boyfriend, no job.  It means that I can start the next 365 days of my life afresh and maybe make something new and exciting with it.  Well that is what I am telling myself anyway.

So to help me make the most of the next year I have written myself a todo list.
My challenge should I choose to accept it is to complete (or at least try to complete) each of these things over the coming year.  So without to much of an ado, I present.....

32 Things to Do at 32

Work
1. Get a job
2. Do some freelance work
3. Get business cards printed
4. Create my own (business) website
5. Get something I have written 'published' (either in print or online)

Health and Fitness
6. Eat a Vegetarian diet at least twice a week
7. Aim to exercise at least twice a week
8. Finally drop that dress size I have been trying to do for the last 3 years
9. Limit takeaway food to once per month
10. Run the race for life, and beat this years time

Life
11. Develop a love life (Date, meet people, flirt)
12. Go on a proper holiday
13. Volunteer/get involved in a cause I believe in
14. Pass my driving test
15. Start properly saving

Things to do
16. Visit my friends across the country
17. Go to a sports game
18. Dye my hair
19. Go to a convention
20. Write more

Fun Stuff
21. Develop a hobby, something I will do regularly
22. Go to the cinema more regularly
23. Go to the theatre more
24. Get more involved in online communities
25. Get a Tattoo

Things to complete
26. Watch all of the BFI Top 50 films of all time http://www.bfi.org.uk/news/50-greatest-films-all-time
27. Read all of the BBC Big Read top 100 books http://www.bbc.co.uk/arts/bigread/top100.shtml
28. Listen to all of the Guardians top 50 albums that changed music http://www.theguardian.com/music/2006/jul/16/popandrock.shopping
29. Watch all of the season of The Wire

Things to buy
30. Get a bicycle

The most important things to do
31. Finish writing my bloody book
32. End my 32nd year happier than my 31st

So that's my list.  Seems a bit daunting now they are typed up and numbered, rather than being vague ideas flailing about in my head.... Oh gosh.

Wish me luck!  I am determined that 32 is going to be my best year yet.

The One Where... I Talk About the Birthday Blues

They happen every year.  You know they are coming. So why does it that when my birthday clicks around it takes me by surprise?

I am not talking about good, "Oh you have bought me a brand new Chanel lipstick!" type of surprise, I am talking about "Oh my f#%&ing god you've got a me a giant clown mask!" type of surprise.

I have never been a big birthday celebrator.  I had the fortune (or misfortune whichever way you want to look at it) to be born in August, during the school summer holidays. When it was time for me to have birthday parties most of my friends were on holiday so that whole cake and magician thing didn't really happen for me.  As I got older and the big birthdays hit, yes I did stuff, but frankly I wanted to be hands off as possible, if someone else could do the heavy lifting, awesome.  If I had to arrange a birthday thing for myself?  Yeah I chose to stay in eat pizza and feel resentful that no one wanted to do something for my birthday.

Since hitting 27, when the 22nd of July, exactly a month before my birthday, rolls around I have a tendency to freak out a bit.  It’s not the ageing thing that bothers me, not really, I mean, I look great for my age (I really do, I easily pass for 26). It’s no matter how unhealthy I know it is, I end up comparing myself to my peer group.  Despite what great things might be going on with my life, and despite how I may really enjoy my life at any other point in the year, just before my birthday I freak out, and do it big.  I worry that I do not have anything to show for my life up to this point, I worry that my peers look down on me, I worry that I will end up being a lonely old woman with nothing to show for her life.

There is usually quite a bit of sobbing, not crying, all out, body aching sobbing. 

There is usually a lot of eating, binges of epic proportions, eating things that I would never usually consider food (horrible processed and chemical ridden foods that when you check the ingredients there is not one pronounceable word there). 

There is screaming and shouting, it's kind of like when I get irrationally angry when I have PMT, only worse and not confined to a couple of days a month. 

There is a lot of alone time, where in the privacy of my own bedroom I actively encourage my mind to go to dark places (would anyone come to my funeral if I died?  Who would look after me if I had a terminal illness?). 

This birthday is harder than most.  I am turning 32, this is not an appealing age.  I have just lost my job, not a joyous event.  I am still single, with not a lot of prospects.  I still live with house mates, with no real prospects of owning a home.

This birthday however, surprisingly, I am not having my usual freak out.  To date, with a week to go, there has been no sobbing, no screaming, no eating marathons, no movie marathons, no locking myself away.  Despite it being an all round shitty birthday, I feel the most positive I have ever felt about getting a year older. 

I have spent the last two weeks, going out and drinking and dancing with friends. Although the hangovers (not necessarily booze, but general late nights and lots of dancing, man my knees are killing me) are not getting any easier and my bank balance has taken a little bit of a battering, it has been the most fun two weeks I have had in a very long time. 

With all of the stress in my life I have really needed to blow off some steam before I get back to hard reality of job hunting.  The old adage of all work and no play? Yeah that's totally been my life for a while.  The focus on the crap caused me to forget that I work to live, not live to work. 

I am not quite sure what has happened, because something has definitely has, but I feel different.  Yes I still have hang ups when I compare my life with others.  Yes I am still worried I am doing to die alone and not be found until one of the neighbours complains of a weird smell.  I am approaching the forthcoming year with more optimism and hope than I have had in a long time, yeah some of my freaky thoughts scare the shit out of me, but they are just thoughts, not reality.

I guess I am becoming wiser with age, or is it, that in my perpetually hungover state, I don't have the brain power to focus on the negative so much? 

Either way I want to pass on some of the life lessons I have learnt this past year.

1.    Why care what a complete stranger thinks of you?  Is your life anything to do with them?  Don't worry about judgement from people who don't matter

2.    If you feel attractive, don't let anyone else convince you otherwise.

3.    If you don't feel attractive, look in the mirror, man you are hot, what were you thinking!

4.    You can love your friends as much if not more than any romantic partner

5.    You can't measure your life with material things.  Experiences, fun, laughter, love those are the things that make a life.

6.    If you can't change it, why stress about it?  Focus on the stuff you can influence.

7.    Most of the best things in life cost nothing

8.    Sometimes putting some lipstick on and facing the world is the best solution when all you want to do is hide.

9.    If your friends make you feel bad about yourself, they aren't really your friends…unless you have been a total douchbag, in which case that is their job

10. Flat shoes are almost always the best option, don't drink on an empty stomach, drink a pint of water before you go to bed, always take your makeup off before you crash and fluorescent paint is a pain in the arse to remove.

The One Where... I explain why I am a feminist

If you were to create a time machine, go back 10 years and ask me the question, are you a feminist? My response in all likelihood would have been no.

Despite having spent three years at university studying women's history and trying to uncover some of the lost voices of the past, and despite writing a dissertation with feminist undertones (The emancipatory qualities of non-conformist religions on the lives of women in the 17th century, It's a ripping read), no I would have to say at the tender age of 21 I was not a feminist.

To be honest, at that age I didn't have much of an understanding what feminism was, yes I had read books, but really at that age and being as naive as I was, not really having experienced much of the world, feminism just didn't resonate.  I also come from a family with a lot of strong female characters, I grew up knowing that I could do anything or be anyone I wanted (as long as no serious laws were broken along the way) and I naively assumed that everyone came from the same kind of family and thought the same way I did.

So what changed? Being 21 and naive is one thing, being 26 and jaded is something else entirely. I had spent five years out in the world, in the work place and in social situations outside of the semi closeted world of studentdom.  In all honesty it felt all a bit grubby.  

There were comments made about the types of jobs that were suitable for the women to do, there was slut shaming, sexual harassment, inter office affairs, unwanted touching and attention.  There were questions about wanting to start families, why people looked/dressed the way they did, how weird it was that so-and-so didn't want children.  There were wage inequalities, bullying and darn right nastiness.

Honestly, I felt fed up of being talked down to, having other people's expectations thrust upon me and my body and the way I looked being public property.  I finally understood what this feminism thing was about, kind of.

But again if you went back 5 years in a time machine and asked me the question, are you a feminist?  Despite my growing beliefs  declaring that you were a feminist was not something that would make you friends.

Even now there are so many misconceptions about what feminism means and what it takes to be a feminist.  I know intelligent and aware women who flinch at even the suggestion that they may be a feminist, it still has negative undertones for many.  I have even heard the word used as an insult, which boggled my mind slightly.  Now I am by no means an expert, in anything, but I really want to try to explain what being a feminist means to me and why at the age of (nearly) 32 I am ready to come out of the closet.

So here are a run down of three of the things I feel most passionately about being a woman, and a feminist;

1.  I believe that Women should have the same opportunities as men.  
I don't think that the career aspirations of any woman should be limited by her gender, if you want to be a hairdresser, nurse, welder, IT technician, go for it.  And the same for the men, why should they be limited to builders, or city traders, if guys want to be beauticians or florists go ahead, equality is about being equal, everyone should have the same opportunities.

2. Women should not be judged by their physical appearance.  
OK everyone to varying extents is judged by the way they look or the way they dress.  However the preoccupation with female beauty (or perceived lack there of) is frankly revolting.  There are endless articles in the media about women's bodies, how good or bad they look, if they are too fat, too thin, are wearing too much make up, or none at all, if they look tired or stressed.  Really! Some of the most successful, inspiring, powerful women in the world and you want to talk about the way they look?  I know that men are subject to this too, but I feel not to the same extent, there are entire magazines dedicated to the way women in the public eye look.  The only media currency women seem to have nowadays appears to be as a sexual object.  Call me crazy but I would like to be judged on more than how fat my arse is and where I buy my clothes.

3. Women should have the right to have control over their bodies.
Why should I 'expect' to be groped when I am in a bar? or on the bus? in a shop or the train?  Why is this unwanted touching ever acceptable?  Do I walk up to random guys in the street, grab them by their junk and tell them they are hot? No, and no man should expect that type of treatment, so why should women expect to have her bottom pitched or her breasts groped?

These are just a few of the things that I feel strongly about being a woman.  In starting to write this post there are so many things that could be included, street harassment, reproductive rights, and domestic abuse to name just a few.

I am currently living in a time where, finally, many of these issues are being discussed and debated. I don't ever imagined that any of these things will be 'solved' but I hope that this shows that the culture in which I live starts to evolve in to something that shows a little bit more respect.  What does it say about us as a society if 'we' are treating 50% of the population with contempt.  Sidelining the wants needs, rights and wishes of our mothers, wives, sisters and daughters?

There are books and commentators out there that can talk about feminism waaaay better than I can, but I wanted to get my two pence worth in to the world.  

So to de-bunk a few myths;

Yes, I shave my arm pits and legs, I like them smooth, but I don't think anyone should be pressurised to do it to conform if they don't want to, heck when winter comes I like a little extra coverage myself.

No, I am not a lesbian, I thought about it for a while when was a teenager, but no,  I like men, but to all of those girls, boys and not quite sure's out there, love who you want to.

No, I don't hate men, I think they are pretty great most of the time, yeah there a few rum'ens but hey that's the same for us girls too.

Yes, I do wear skirts and dresses, I don't think acceptance in to the 'Feminism Club' should rely on a dress code.

No, I don't want to be a man.  Seriously being a girl is fantastic most of the time, why would I want to change?

I am a feminist and I am proud to be so.